BOOKS

alright, here i go delving into the realm of things that really have nothing to do with the major idea of this blog.
that is to say…the movie Troy.
although technically you could consider this still having something to do with literature because the movie is based on Homer’s “Iliad” which is literature.
so i’m still technically well within my rights to talk about this.
plus the only books i’m reading right now are books that i’ve already read and talked about. so i’ve got nothing new to blather about.
ANYWAY.

The movie Troy…oh where to begin.

okay, well, here goes the crash course in the actual story of the Trojan war.

READY GO:

Alright, the Trojan prince Paris falls in love with Helen of Greece, who is the beautiful wife of Menelaus, who is the brother of King Agamemnon, who is king of Mycenae (that was the original Greek mainland, this is way before Athens and Sparta). So Paris steals Helen away, and Menelaus is all like OH HELL NO. and he goes to Agamemnon because his brother is a beast and a half at things like war. Now, Agamemnon has been looking to go to war with Troy for a long long time, just to complete his whole conquest and get more power and what-not, so he’s like “oh of COURSE we’ll go get your wife back and of COURSE we’ll burn down the place and stab that douche Paris in the face, because I love you because you’re my brother.” So they go do that. Agamemnon launches 1000 ships (thats where Helen got the whole “the face that launched 1000 ships” nickname from. also, this semi-inspired death cab for cutie to write the song The Face that Launched 1000 S***s, though in the song you can’t really tell if he’s saying shits or ships, both are plausible i suppose. its not really a song about the trojan war…but i digress. a lot. lets go) and on one of those ships Achilles sits. now, Achilles and Agamemnon hate each other because they’re both egotistical; Agamemnon thinks he’s the greatest king ever, and Achilles is all big-headed about the fact that he’s part god and can’t be defeated in battle. So they don’t like each other, and get in fights pretty much daily. so blah-blah-blah, the Greek army storms the beach at Troy, fighting ensues, blah blah, agamemnon pisses achilles off by taking this girl from him, achilles is all “well, i’m not gonna fight that guy’s war. c’mon guys, lets go watch them fail.” (achilles has a group of like, hxc fighting guys. they’re total beasts.) achilles friend patroclus (i think i’m spelling that right. i could be wrong) puts on achilles armor and leads achilles’ troops into battle, to boost the morale of the army. it works, but patroclus gets carried away by it and ends up fighting Hecter, who is Paris’ older brother and is a TOTAL beast. Hector kills Patroclus, achilles finds out, becomes ROYALLY pissed, kills Hector, joins Agamemnon, the greeks pretend to retreat, leaving behind a large giant horse, which of course is brought into the city of Troy because, y’know, HUGE WOODEN HORSES ARE JUST LEFT ON BEACHES AS GIFTS, AND AREN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. then they all jump out, kill-a-bitch, and blah blah blah. thats the story.

…wasn’t all that brief….but the war lasted for at least like, 7 years or something. it wasn’t all over in like, 4 days. so of course “brief summary” of the Trojan War is like trying to do a “brief summary” of war and peace.
and i left a THOUSAND things out.

okay. now then. about the movie. and why it’s FANTASTIC, even though it isn’t historically accurate at all.
minus like, 3 events.

1) Brad Pitt is ATTRACTIVE. I mean damn. that ass could stop wars (or start them in this case).  Plus he’s constantly running around in like, leather shit and his long hair…hold on lets get a picture up in here.

I'M TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY. TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY. NO WAY I'M DISCO DANCING.

ohhh damn. look at that delicious 8-pack.
and his little booty. DUH-LISH.

and of course, he’s a fantastic actor. He gives the character of Achilles a lot of depth, which is hard to do considering Homer pretty much portrayed him as a pompous ass who cared for nothing but stabbing-a-ho. So he brings a lot to the movie, and i apologize for the unprofessional man-oogling (i’m pretty sure its like, ogle or w/e…but i like pronouncing it oogle. so thats how i spell it. bitch.) of the preceding paragraphs.
but i mean…LOOK AT IT. DAMNN.

okay. moving on.

POINT NUMBER 2
2)  Pretty much just the general character of Hector. In the Iliad, Hector isn’t really this great, noble son, who only does right by his country and doesn’t care for the gods.
you’ve got to understand something about this time period.
you didn’t just go OH YEAH, FUCK GODS. US MEN ARE THE ONLY IMPORTANT THINGS.
i mean, you might as well just stab yourself in the eye and fall down a well. because the “Gods” would have done that for you anyway, and after you’re dead one of them would become some sort of pure white animal (like a bull, or a goose) and seduce your mom.
So in the movie, the portrayal of Hector isn’t really….accurate. at all.
except for the fact that he’s the champion of Troy, which is true. Hector is to Troy as Achilles is to the Greeks, and Agamemnons Army. Hector was GREAT at battles, he fought like a beast.

now then, lets move on to…
3) Hector’s Death.
true, he was killed by Achilles. This is one of the most accurate parts of the movie, his actual death.
okay, movie version: Achilles COUSIN, Patroclus, puts on Achilles armor, because he’s practically wetting himself, he wants to fight that bad. so when Achilles says he’s not going to battle, Patroclus takes Achilles’ armor, puts it on, and makes everyone think he’s Achilles. His ruse works so well, that Hector comes, wanting to battle Achilles, and fights him, stabs him, and kills him. After Hector finds out who he just killed, he feels like a terrible person and is full of remorse and awful feelings. Achilles is not happy (I ARE NOT AMUSED. LOLcats anyone?) and he rides his chariot around, shouting Hectors name, wanting to fight. Hector does because he’s so noble and honorable, and he loses (after a long, intense battle scene). Achilles then ties his body to the back of his chariot, and drags the body of Hector around in the dust and sand, horribly deforming the face and body.

WHAT PARTS ARE TRUE?!

TRUE: Patroclus and Hector did fight.
FALSE: Patroclus was NOT Achilles’ cousin.
FALSE: Hector wasn’t all noble and honorable, because he was just as egotistical as Achilles was.
TRUE: Achilles and Hector battle, and Hector loses.
TRUE: Achilles drags Hector around behind his chariot, royally fucking up the body.

so that part is remarkably accurate to the Iliad, which is good. though i think the reason they change Patroclus into his cousin is to give Achilles a human touch.
that and they make him fall in love with some chick who’s from Troy. Y’know, get the whole star-crossed lover shit. the whole romance part of that is TOTALLY a mixture of Romeo and Juliet and the Taming of the Shrew.

number 4 that i want to get to:
4) Agamemnon (is he an asshole?)
answer: YES.
but not as bad as the movie makes him seem.
the problem with any “based on true/semi-historical/some mixture of both events” story is that in real (or half-real, or maybe real) events, there really isn’t a clear-cut “good vs. evil” conflict. the writer and the director need to carve out some protagonists and antagonists to keep the watcher engaged, because they’re not going to give 2 shits if they don’t have someone to love and someone to hate.
so what does Troy do? they give you Achilles, the egotistical man who falls in love with a woman related to his enemies, the heartbroken warrior who loses his cousin, who was almost like a son to him. and they give you Paris and Helen, two lovers who can’t bear to part. and Hector, the loving father/husband, brilliant leader and fantastic fighter who makes a mistake that he pays for with his life.
so who does that leave you to hate?

thats right. good ol’ Agamemnon, the great king of Mycenae. King of the Greeks.

the movie portrays him as this fat egotistical maniac who refuses to fight his own battles and rests the fate of his reign on the blade of Achilles capable sword. the movie portrays him as caring for nothing but power. They never show him with a wife (though i’m surprised they didn’t do the cute little story about how Agamemnon sacrificed a daughter of his to the Gods so that he might win the war against Troy. that would have done SO MUCH for his whole image. though then they may have had to change his death…more on that later). or with kids, or even having friends.
he’s just kind of the evil dictator who cares not for human lives, only cares about owning the biggest pieces of land, or commanding the greatest armies and never stepping foot onto the battle field.

FALSE. false false false. lies. all of it.
well…he was mostly an ass. but most of them were.
except for Paris, he was just kind of a douche.

Agamemnon was a powerful ruler, true. he commanded great armies and won great battles. however, he was ALWAYS fighting by the side of his warriors. and while he did take a woman away from achilles, it wasn’t like the woman was really achilles’ property, and he deff wasn’t in love with her in any way (the movie had to have some sort of romance-gone-wrong, right? otherwise where would we be.).

Even better is Agamemnon’s death, which in the movie occurs the night of the invasion of the City, when they jump out of the Trojan Horse.
Agamemnon did not die at this time. nor was he killed by the woman who loved Achilles. In the movie theres this whole big fiasco where everything’s on fire, everyone’s dying or killing or both, and Agamemnon finds this chick (her name is Briseis) and grabs her by the throat and is all “YOU ALMOST LOST MY WAR FOR ME, BITCH.” if i recall correctly she stabs him heartily in the throat. or maybe Achilles does that when he comes to reclaim his love. i’m not sure, i haven’t seen it in awhile.

so how did Agamemnon really die?
well. heres my favorite theory. this is assumed/believed by a lot of people, but you can’t really prove it, because theres not really any good historical evidence if i remember correctly.
okay, so before he left, Agamemnon sacrifices his daughter to the Gods to please them so that they’ll help him to win the war against Troy.
needless to say, his wife is PISSEDDD. While he’s gone in Troy, his wife shacks up with this other guy.
so Agamemnon comes back all triumphant and shit and he’s taking a bath and his little wife and her lover come in and kill the shit out of him.
can i get a PWNED?!

yeah. that sucks.
but it probably didn’t happen. oh well. i like to think it did.

so there you have it folks.
Troy really is a great movie, if you ignore most/all of the glaring problems in the historical accuracy.
and if you’re having problems coming to terms with how they refuse to stick to the story in the Iliad…just pause, take a breath, and look at Brad Pitt’s hotness.
i’m telling you. he could stop wars.
him an Angelina Jolie together are like the frigging Justice League.

….today is not one of my better days when it comes to making sense. sorry about that.